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Jul 9, 2016

This time, we review Destroy All Humans. Enjoy!

 

Destroy all Humans



Destroy all Humans is an action adventure title released by the now defunct Pandemic Studios. You may remember Pandemic from popular titles such as the first two Star Wars Battlefront games, and the Mercenaries series. The game was released for the Playstation 2 and Xbox on the 21st of June, 2005.

 

The game takes place in 1959 USA, and features a technologically advanced race of aliens known as Furons. We start things off with a flying saucer investigating earth, when suddenly a nuclear missile is launched with the saucer just overhead. Cryptosporidium- 136 is captured by the US army. The game is then set up as a rescue mission, as well as to collect human DNA. Apparently some horny Furon’s visited Earth thousands of years ago for shore leave, following a war with Mars. You are seeking out this DNA, because the Furon’s have lost their genitalia over the years, and their leader Orthopox, has to resort to the ever degenerating clones to do his bidding.

 

During the game, all of Crypto’s various crimes are covered up by the mainstream media, who blame everything on either freak accidents, or Communism. The game is a giant reference to the pop culture, and politics of the late 50’s, though the technology present is far superior to what was available in the 50’s. You are armed with multiple weapons, including an anal probe gun, Zap O Matic, Desintegrator Ray, and Ion Detonator. Your flying saucer is also equipped, and ready to devastate the world with a Death ray, Abducto Beam, Sonic boom, and the epic Quantum Deconstructor.

 

Here are some of the notable quotes from the game:

If you can bend the antenna in the direction of the Mothership me should be able to send the signal. That's the good news. The bad news is that for complex and highly technical reasons you have only three minutes to do this or very bad things will happen. Now let us never speak of it again. Now go out there and bend some rabbit ears!

 

C'mon, you glory hounds! You wanna live forever? Let's stop that little Commie! Find him, neutralize him!

 

Don't get mad, get sadistic.

 

Quick, he's heading to the white building! No, the OTHER white building! The one with the tall, ugly fellow with the beard! I think he's Amish or something!

 

Orthopox: Here's the keys, now do try and bring it back in one piece double O... I mean Crypto.

 

If only there were some way to electronically facilitate the private viewing of illicit photography, like some sort of computing device with a screen. Ah, it'll never happen.

 

[after being shot with the anal probe]

Suburban Female: Ooh! That doesn't hurt so much, maybe Bob was right.

 

Cow: Moo.

Orthopox: "Moo"? Primitive, yet profound. Scan another one.

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